When I was young I did not care, nor know what ’style’ was. Then I went into the 6th grade, and girls were concerned what I was wearing. That was odd, I thought. Why would they care what I was wearing? Wouldn’t it be the other way around? Thus, began the obsession of ‘getting it right.’. Until now at 34, I choose clothes based on color, texture, length, warmth, comfort. I am always complemented on my clothes…and I prefer the thrift store over any showroom floor. That’s right, the thrift store. (I found an awesome one where I live, and I love it there). Now, I am raising four girls. The oldest is going to be 14 in a few weeks. The conversations revolve around money, music, and clothes. Any other topic brings forth sighs, and ‘Oh Mom’. When did I become the ‘Oh mom’?
I am disturbed by the amount of time and attention she spends on what shoes are the right shoes, and jeans have to be from a certain store, that all the girls shop in. I’m in a quandry. I understand peer pressure, I understand being a 14 year old girl, and have a lot of patience for it…but my concern is in order to get her to give to others, think of others…I almost have to barter. Where did it go down this path? I can only look to myself.
Walking down the isle in the mall with her at 2 years old, I was so happy I had a shopping partner. I taught her how to shop professionally by the time she was 6. I was raising her ‘right’, I thought. Making sure she followed the trends, and be agressive about her need for being fashionable. Why? Because my mom didn’t. She never really indulged in my crazy wants and desires to the degree I wanted her to…so I’ll raise my daughter to love to shop.
Trying now to undo the years of training her how to shop a mean bargain, and go to 6 stores for the right shoe, has been like climbing Mt. Whitney with one arm. She thinks I’m off my rocker if I talk to her about anything other than topics directly related to how to be in style, or the latest, latest music. She wantes her house to be a certain way, her room, my cars, my clothes, etc. I tried throwing in some charitable activities, like donating to fire victims, going to shelters, giving food to homeless, etc. But, she just looks in awe, totally oblivious to the reality of the situation. How do I get her to see there’s more to life? By example.
I stopped talking about clothes now for over two years. I talk about filmmaking, directing, different countries, enviroment, making a difference, the eco-system and different religions, beliefs and cultures. I still talk about music, but I want her to listen to more indie music. I love a good block buster movie, but I show her documentaries. She’s bored most of the time, or annoyed. Wow. What have I done?
Why this change of conversation? Is it for my benifit? Or hers?
How I see it is this. The marketing machine will never end. It will continue to sell their products as the latest, next, big thing. The must have’s. Or as Daisy Fuentes so eloquently put it, “The essential must have’s you didn’t even know you needed.” Wow. It really is scarey. You work to buy more, so you can show off. To people who are going to admire it for a second in your face, turn around and make comments about you anyway. I am a fool to think people don’t have judgements about me. Like right now, how I am writing, what I am saying. You already have opinions, and chances are they are not positive.
Not, a problem. But, if these are the people you are trying to impress, then are you really living your life for yourself? Or for others? A phantom world of agreement, that doesn’t really exist. I am trying to teach my daughter this. I have not cracked the code yet. I haven’t got to the core of her integrity. Maybe I need to take her away for a couple weeks without shopping, or music. I want her to ‘feel’ life. I want her to see it is really about the difference you can make for others that you get your life. I know I screwed up. I was in the machine, or matrix, if you will. I am so sorry. I am sorry for my children, to lead them down this road. But, she is the core person I need to have the impact with. Her sisters follow her. My eleven year old doesn’t really know why she has to wear the clothes she does. She just wants to be like her big sister. My oldest son just wants to create a new mathematical equation in physics that doesn’t exist yet. He has to be reminded to change his clothes. My two youngest daughters only are learning, ‘How can I do for you?’
But, it is not to late. I discovered she really, really likes directing. Any chance she gets to be on set, or film something she’ll jump to it. Great! I will use this as the vehicle. Her desire to compete in sports, and how great she is at it…keeps her fit, and working with a team. Even better. I will encourage all my children to follow they’re dreams, and learn a little humanity, and giving along the way. But, I know it starts with me. It’s never to late.
